I sit in my the chair by a window in my home. The sky, grey as the raindrops released from above fall onto the window pane. Today I will stay indoors I have no desire of heading out. As I sit on this chair and watch the sky roar, my mind trails off bringing present another time. A time where I was not alone.
Standing up I walk through my home and retrace his steps. I walked in his shadow remembering his wide shoulder, the strength of his back. In my mind I saw as he walked over to me on the love seat I laid in pretending to read the words of the novel, but the was distraction too strong. A mischievous grin crept on his face, revealing his dimpled cheeks. He playfully tugged the book out my hands leaning down to me kissing my forehead then my lips. I closed my eyes and remembered the musky scent that danced through my nose. The cologne he wore was my favorite one
I’m back by the window, my heart aching as I came back to reality. The rain was now falling hard. I open my window, the sound of the raindrops echoed through my empty apartment. The rest of the windows shut. The drapes reinforcing darkness covering the windows completely denying light of any access. Since he’s been gone I find the rain to be soothing and calming. Making it easier for memories to come to me helping me bare the pain. Most are happy ones, ones that make me smile, but i cannot let go of my grief. Even a smile feels foreign on my face. I let my hand wander out of the window to watch the cool droplets seep through my fingers. I close my eyes to recalling his face
I kissed him, short and sweet before he stood up tall before me. I look up at him feeling like a freshman in high school would feel towards her first crush. I grab my book and cracked it open again hinting the enjoyment of his game. He tugs it away as I hoped he would and he comes back down to my lips. I laugh as he mirrored my kiss repeating short sweet kisses on my lips, forehead, eyelids, cheeks trailing down my jawline and planting the last one on the side of my neck. He lingered there for a moment and I held his head feeling his lips stretch into a smile against my skin. I loved him so much and he loved me back. He cherished me as if I the most important person in the world. He protected me and my heart as I protected his.
A sigh escapes my lips as I step away from the window dabbing the icy water on the nape of my neck. I left the window open allowing the water to trickle down inside. The need to hear the ping ping ping of the water is more than anyone would understand. I roam through the empty house my fingers brushing against the walls, the floor cool under my bare feet. Wanting to be lost in my memories…
I’m giggling as he holds my body up against his. My book above his head with me struggling to reach it with no avail. I plead for my book in between breaths. He places my book by the lamp table still holding on to me. The next thing I know we’re falling and bursting with laughter tangled by the wool blanket the covered me. The sound of our happiness making our home warm. I landed atop of him our faces aligned. I swept down to kiss him just as he anticipated. He was ready for my kiss and he kissed me back as we fall into silence all sense of humor has now been replaced by fire radiating from my lips to my toes. I remember how his lips felt against my own. How soft his lips were and the taste was intoxicating. His hands traveled across my back caressing me as he held my body extremely close to his sealing any gaps between us. He carefully rolled on to me trapping my body under his, holding his weight on an elbow.
He kissed my collar bone. His hand under the the tank top I wore on that day. My shirt disappeared over my head leaving me bare and he was grateful for how I loved to be comfortable. I watched as he suckled my breast tenderly looking through his lashes while his hand lightly brushed down my navel reaching the waistband of my pink pajama bottoms. I reached for his shirt and freed him of it. My fingers sliding on his smooth skin as I went. He closed the space between us with a swift movement coming to my face to lock our lips together. My head spun and I tasted his breath. I felt his hand back on my pants inching his fingers underneath.I thought about how pleased I had been that I hadn’t worn any underclothes to reserve the day to make love to this man.
I longed for him when he would depart, months at a time. Although he wrote to me almost everyday about places he had seen, people he would meet, I still needed him so much. The best letters were the ones that spoke of a wonderful future together. Of the children with his eyes and my nose. A beautiful home with a yard for them to run and play. Hundreds of letters so many dreams.
One of those dreams came true the day the I became his wife. A ring was in the small stocking he gave me one Christmas Eve. There was really no point in waiting so soon after, the big arrived. Our parents were in on it and they had helped him plan the best day I ever had. A couple of our close friends among-st our families joined us in the celebration of our love. I smiled at where my thoughts had gone.
Standing again I cradle the swell on my once-flat belly. I haven’t eaten today and I should be hungry but I’m not. “Okay” I inhale… “Breath. Eat. Sleep.” my lips mumble, these simple tasks to gets me though the days. The days are long and I can’t relieve the pain for it is still fresh. They say time heals all but I’m just trying to learn how to live with it.
I shut my eyes tightly fighting back my tears as I remember the beat of his heart pounding against his chest. It was a lullaby to me drifting me to sleep the nights I was lucky enough to have him. I wish I could go back to those day, I think as I look at the picture of him placed over the shelf of our fireplace. With the camouflage uniform his hand raised to an eyebrow in a perfect salute. He took pride in serving his country. I stand numbly while my legs move and my arms extend to my soldier. My lips touched the cool glass of the picture frame. The tears creep up. One, two, then more slide down my checks as a memory I try hard to bury rises. A memory I prayed was just a nightmare. The day I found out my husband would never come home.
The door bell rung twice. Two officers stood at the door when I opened it. I stared blankly at the butterfly that flew in the distance while their voices were heard in a twilight distance. The words that shattered my world. A letter sat on the dining room table one I had written that very morning. I sunk to the floor feeling light headed red, white and blue held tightly in my arms, though I never recalled taking the flag. My pregnancy news never to be known by him. The joys of our child, the positive test I wrote about in the letter never to reach his hands. My hero gone ! However, the thought of our child helped me find strength.
My memories play like movies in my head. I keep him alive in my mind and my heart. He lives inside my womb our love continuing to grow. My angel will walk by my side through my journey of life. Still protecting me and this gift we were blessed with. I lay on the couch with his photo cradled in my arms. I hold him to my heart as I cover my body with a soft wool blanket. I remember the sound of his heart beating letting the memory pull me to sleep.